June 29th-Two weeks later

I am so thankful for accountability family and friends in my life, I had one with love and compassion tell me to please try and keep this journal going, as I am grieving, so are they, not only for dad but for concern as to how I am doing, and it is unfair not to keep on writing. Sometimes it is just easier to "Quit" something that felt so good, now when its gone, I don't know how it feels, then I remember quitting is for the weak, that one of my favorite "dad" quotes is "There is no hill too high for a high stepper" I need to give it my best, and I will overcome that mountain too. So here we go.

As I began blogging I looked back and my first title was "Begin, and the rest is easy"... So Saturday Morning, the 14th of June, we had four of our granddaughters sleeping on the floor in the living room that I cagidly stepped over, covered back up with their blankies, adjusted their heads on their pillows, gave them grandma kisses in their sleep, and headed to dads room. It was about 6am and I noticed his breathing was different, short shallow breaths, yet not labored. I gently washed his face with a warm cloth, swabbed his lips with a sponge and he just stared at me with the most thankful adoring eyes, but didn't talk. I told him I was going to get my shower and ready for the day, and I would be right back to get him ready for his day too. That was our normal morning routine. Michele came over early to pick up her three girls, I'd say between 7 and 8 and we sat at the kitchen table talking, me telling her his breathing was short and I just felt something was different. We were talking about what did we think he was hanging on for, I told her I just didn't know, as all three of us kids told him to let go, that he was such a wonderful father, had wonderful children and grandchildren and great friends, his work here on earth was complete, to go and be with Jesus, with all the people that he kept saying he saw all week long. Michele in her uplifting spirit said, maybe its "me" he is waiting on, to hear my voice one more time, she also said, loud enough for dad to hear from the table, "He always thought I was so pretty and loved me" We laughed, the girls said goodbye to grandpa Duke and off they went to spend their day around the pool. Savonnah wanted to go, but I explained she needed to stay cause daddy was coming at eleven after he got done working at Winona Lake with teeshirts for a 5K run. I remember going back into dads room while Savonnah was eating her oatmeal, Grandpa Dukes favorite breakfast too, brown sugar and maple, and I just saw dad differently than any other morning. We prayed again and again, asking Jesus to help us through this beautiful day, and if today was the day to take dad home that we were ready. I thought if I sang Jesus Loves Me Savonnah would sing along, as she didn't want to come in the room that morning and I know he could hear her from his bed, and she did sing along from the kitchen table, and I know he heard her cause his eyes refocused to my eyes. He just stared into them again, almost pathetically saying, are you sure you are going to be okay without me. I again told him, remember last night dad, all the granddaughters and I in the kitchen, each making a part of our dinner, laughing and giggling, eating, doing dishes, how wonderful and blessed my life is with family here??? He then changed from pathedic staring eyes to a peace that words can never describe. I said, dad, I am so blessed and thankful for my family, I promise to do my best in everything here on earth, that I will soon be in heaven with him and mom, and all my other family and we will live an eternal life that is never ending. We prayed again. I called Ty and said dad was different and to talk to him, that I was sure he could still hear, so Ty did, asked him to blink or squeeze my hand as he asked questions to him, but he didn't respond that way, only his eyes staring in mine. Ty assured dad of his love, and that he would be back in July for his birthday on the 9th. They said their goodbyes, and I promised to call with any changes. We prayed again. By now it was after nine, I went to check Sanonnah, she was playing house on the front porch, and I told her I was going to give Grandpa his bath and shave him and get him ready for the day, that I would be busy for a few minutes but to call for me if she needed me, went back into dads room to tell him the same plan, and there was no shallow short breaths, but he was warm, I layed my head on his chest, I couldn't hear any heart beat, I put my fingers on his wrist, my heart now was racing, I didn't know if was my throbbing of heartbeat through my fingers or his pulse, then to his neck to feel a pulse there, nothing but my own going so fast I couldn't count looking at the second hand on dads watch I was wearing. I went to the other side of his bed, same thing, my heart still pounding out of my chest, like please, let my heartbeat flow into him dear Jesus, then I looked into his eyes, the same eyes I left him with, peace beyond words, dads loving eyes, not eyes of anger or disgust, but eyes staring towards heaven with almost a twinkle in them. I just don't think I can describe it, but they are marked in my mind, probably forever, because I can close my eyes right now and see them so perfectly. I picked up the phone, called Todd at work and told him I cannot get a pulse, he told me he was on his way. I then called Michele, asked her to come back and get Savonnah, we didn't want her to see all what was going to go on in the next couple of hours, she said she was on her way. I called Scott, he said he was on his way, I called Ty, he said are you sure, shake him, slap his face, are you sure, I said yes I was sure, he then asked if I was alone, if I was okay, I told him Savonnah was here but Michele was on her way, Todd and Scott on their way, and he said to don't do anything else until Scott got there, he would make the necessary calls that would follow. I prayed again, thanking Jesus for my dad, for my mom, for my family and friends, for my life. We always had Pulse Christian Radio on for dad 24/7 the past week, and I was hearing Lifesong being played on the Radio, what a perfect song. I knew right then, life was going to be different for me, and my grieving needed to begin, knowing, God would be carrying me through each moment.

I will write again later about the rest of Saturday, the Memorial and Burial Services and the weeks up to date. I am sorry it took me so long to write this part of the journal, but praying it gives you a bit of closure and peace as it did me. I do want to say that I am grieving slowly, Tara gave me a wonderul CD about grieving and how society thinks one should grieve and what the Bible says about how we are allowed to grieve. I pick the Bible way, slowly, positively and lovingly. I will explain that later too. To not be honest about the hurt only comes back later in life in other forms, that then I would have to figure that out, but by doing it God's way, the healing is His plan, not mine. I'm closing for now. I'm feeling prayer and support from so many, thank you. God's blessings