February 23, 2009

As I'm listening to PulseFM, the first song to come on was "I can only Imagine", that was the song my mom loved that was very popular when she was suffering from her leg amputation. She said that if she didn't make it through all of this, that she would be dancing in Heaven as the song said, and I know this morning she is dancing with our Father and dad and she is complete. I am praising God for that and for the day I get to be with them dancing too!

I was pleasantly surprised with a facebook friend - Don Reynolds - and now am able to be in touch with him and his family. They are a part of the Welsh Family Memories that used to go to our church that made a huge impact on our life. Thank you God for bringing us back together.

The weather is calling for 3-5 inches of snow, I'm thinking a good day to stay in and do year end books until I need to go to work at 3. My accountant will also be happy about the snow storm, so I can get her the year-ends!

When I was thinking about what I wanted to write about to catch up on the past, I thought I would write about how good God has been to Todd and I. We were able to vacation again for 14 days in Aruba with family and friends. It seems that Aruba is the only place we truly feel away from the stresses of being self employed. It takes us several days to get to that state of mind, not worrying and taking care of everyone there, but once it kicks in, wow, it is awesome. We had 22 go with us this year, and it is amazing how you can be alone if you wish, or find a chair by a dear family member or friend and share thoughts with no time limits on the conversation. I just feel so blessed to have the chance to vacation like this. One of the many memories of Aruba 2009 that I'm sharing today is we were having church on the beach with those of us that wanted to worship while on vacation (I didn't sing! Dad and Mom always told me Jesus loved my voice, but that's about it for listeners) Anyway, a very dear friend of mine, Dean Miller, asked what I thought about him being baptised in the Caribbean Ocean, at first I thought he was kidding, then when his wife Patty said no he's serious, I said I thought that was awesome and I would go to the desk and see if I could get ahold of a preacher that may come and do it. Then Patty said that Dean wanted ME to do it. I stopped and silently asked God what he thought about that idea, and felt the nudge that its okay. So Todd, Dean, Patty and I went out to the ocean and I said I can only go by what Mike, our preacher, does so we discussed his salvation, his desire to serve, his desire to be more like Jesus every day here on earth and we prayed--we baptised in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Tears ran down my face as I felt so blessed to be in this place at this time. Sometimes we wonder what God's plan is for our lives, and a lesson here is if we be still and listen he gives us opportunites every day to share Him with those around us.

I thank Jesus today for giving me another day of life, to laugh, to be able to work, to enjoy the beauty outside (as I'm inside all warm and cozy), please know that I pray for all of you and that you will be blessed and protected today by our Father in Heaven.

Another Chapter

I am again, so sorry, for taking so long to begin journaling and letting others into my life. I so much enjoyed reading my past stories and know so much has gone on in my life in the last eight months worth writing about, so I will talk a little about the past, and try real hard to keep up with the present. Now that I am blogging I will spend a few minutes catching up with the past, and staying current with the present.

Scott, Ty and I have been busy since dad passed away getting his affairs in order and trying to keep them going as he would have. Scott and Ty are retired now so has more time than I do to follow up on issues we had facing us, and they do such a wonderful job at it. Dad and Mom would be so proud of their boys as they continue to run the business's as dad would have, actually, even better in my eyes! I too am so proud of them. We have had quarterly meetings for the Welsh Family Trust and begin each one with dads request of reciting the Lords Prayer in unison. Scott, Ty and I have such a special relationship as brothers and sister in that we respect each others views, trust each other and feel we do everthing to the best of our abilities to do it as dad and mom would want us to. Our fourth quarter meeting was held in Aruba, a dream I had since dad passed of my brothers and I to spend a vacation together. Ty even had a golf ball for everyone who vacationed with us that had engraved, Nancy's dream.

As far as today, Todd and I had one of the hardest working weeks in a long time, with valentines weekend being one of our best, to working for Stephanie Monday and Thursday, working for Shy Wednesday, and catering Carol Studers Retirement Party on Friday, we are pooped. We got up and did the morning work at Down Under, then went to the Eagles by 9am to support the womens breakfast, then to church at 10:30 and now home chilling on the couch. Todd wanted bread and gravy for dinner (easy) so I was all over that idea, and now watching tv, dozing off, and watching more tv. I'm thinking popcorn for supper....

My prayers today are for our family, for our friends, and for rest and energy to begin another week. I pray for our country and for those who are suffering from unemployement. I praise God for our business and how he so blesses us with customers and opportunities.

I love dad

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June 29th-Two weeks later

I am so thankful for accountability family and friends in my life, I had one with love and compassion tell me to please try and keep this journal going, as I am grieving, so are they, not only for dad but for concern as to how I am doing, and it is unfair not to keep on writing. Sometimes it is just easier to "Quit" something that felt so good, now when its gone, I don't know how it feels, then I remember quitting is for the weak, that one of my favorite "dad" quotes is "There is no hill too high for a high stepper" I need to give it my best, and I will overcome that mountain too. So here we go.

As I began blogging I looked back and my first title was "Begin, and the rest is easy"... So Saturday Morning, the 14th of June, we had four of our granddaughters sleeping on the floor in the living room that I cagidly stepped over, covered back up with their blankies, adjusted their heads on their pillows, gave them grandma kisses in their sleep, and headed to dads room. It was about 6am and I noticed his breathing was different, short shallow breaths, yet not labored. I gently washed his face with a warm cloth, swabbed his lips with a sponge and he just stared at me with the most thankful adoring eyes, but didn't talk. I told him I was going to get my shower and ready for the day, and I would be right back to get him ready for his day too. That was our normal morning routine. Michele came over early to pick up her three girls, I'd say between 7 and 8 and we sat at the kitchen table talking, me telling her his breathing was short and I just felt something was different. We were talking about what did we think he was hanging on for, I told her I just didn't know, as all three of us kids told him to let go, that he was such a wonderful father, had wonderful children and grandchildren and great friends, his work here on earth was complete, to go and be with Jesus, with all the people that he kept saying he saw all week long. Michele in her uplifting spirit said, maybe its "me" he is waiting on, to hear my voice one more time, she also said, loud enough for dad to hear from the table, "He always thought I was so pretty and loved me" We laughed, the girls said goodbye to grandpa Duke and off they went to spend their day around the pool. Savonnah wanted to go, but I explained she needed to stay cause daddy was coming at eleven after he got done working at Winona Lake with teeshirts for a 5K run. I remember going back into dads room while Savonnah was eating her oatmeal, Grandpa Dukes favorite breakfast too, brown sugar and maple, and I just saw dad differently than any other morning. We prayed again and again, asking Jesus to help us through this beautiful day, and if today was the day to take dad home that we were ready. I thought if I sang Jesus Loves Me Savonnah would sing along, as she didn't want to come in the room that morning and I know he could hear her from his bed, and she did sing along from the kitchen table, and I know he heard her cause his eyes refocused to my eyes. He just stared into them again, almost pathetically saying, are you sure you are going to be okay without me. I again told him, remember last night dad, all the granddaughters and I in the kitchen, each making a part of our dinner, laughing and giggling, eating, doing dishes, how wonderful and blessed my life is with family here??? He then changed from pathedic staring eyes to a peace that words can never describe. I said, dad, I am so blessed and thankful for my family, I promise to do my best in everything here on earth, that I will soon be in heaven with him and mom, and all my other family and we will live an eternal life that is never ending. We prayed again. I called Ty and said dad was different and to talk to him, that I was sure he could still hear, so Ty did, asked him to blink or squeeze my hand as he asked questions to him, but he didn't respond that way, only his eyes staring in mine. Ty assured dad of his love, and that he would be back in July for his birthday on the 9th. They said their goodbyes, and I promised to call with any changes. We prayed again. By now it was after nine, I went to check Sanonnah, she was playing house on the front porch, and I told her I was going to give Grandpa his bath and shave him and get him ready for the day, that I would be busy for a few minutes but to call for me if she needed me, went back into dads room to tell him the same plan, and there was no shallow short breaths, but he was warm, I layed my head on his chest, I couldn't hear any heart beat, I put my fingers on his wrist, my heart now was racing, I didn't know if was my throbbing of heartbeat through my fingers or his pulse, then to his neck to feel a pulse there, nothing but my own going so fast I couldn't count looking at the second hand on dads watch I was wearing. I went to the other side of his bed, same thing, my heart still pounding out of my chest, like please, let my heartbeat flow into him dear Jesus, then I looked into his eyes, the same eyes I left him with, peace beyond words, dads loving eyes, not eyes of anger or disgust, but eyes staring towards heaven with almost a twinkle in them. I just don't think I can describe it, but they are marked in my mind, probably forever, because I can close my eyes right now and see them so perfectly. I picked up the phone, called Todd at work and told him I cannot get a pulse, he told me he was on his way. I then called Michele, asked her to come back and get Savonnah, we didn't want her to see all what was going to go on in the next couple of hours, she said she was on her way. I called Scott, he said he was on his way, I called Ty, he said are you sure, shake him, slap his face, are you sure, I said yes I was sure, he then asked if I was alone, if I was okay, I told him Savonnah was here but Michele was on her way, Todd and Scott on their way, and he said to don't do anything else until Scott got there, he would make the necessary calls that would follow. I prayed again, thanking Jesus for my dad, for my mom, for my family and friends, for my life. We always had Pulse Christian Radio on for dad 24/7 the past week, and I was hearing Lifesong being played on the Radio, what a perfect song. I knew right then, life was going to be different for me, and my grieving needed to begin, knowing, God would be carrying me through each moment.

I will write again later about the rest of Saturday, the Memorial and Burial Services and the weeks up to date. I am sorry it took me so long to write this part of the journal, but praying it gives you a bit of closure and peace as it did me. I do want to say that I am grieving slowly, Tara gave me a wonderul CD about grieving and how society thinks one should grieve and what the Bible says about how we are allowed to grieve. I pick the Bible way, slowly, positively and lovingly. I will explain that later too. To not be honest about the hurt only comes back later in life in other forms, that then I would have to figure that out, but by doing it God's way, the healing is His plan, not mine. I'm closing for now. I'm feeling prayer and support from so many, thank you. God's blessings

June 15, 2008 FATHERS DAY

Dad went home to be with his Father yesterday, June 14. Praise God for everything that he has given, He is so good.

The last 55 days have been something I pray that is a reminder of love and family and friends for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can put into words what I am feeling right now, it may have to come later once I process it but one thing I know I can put into words is how much I know what it means to trust God in all things, and when I hear that small still voice telling me something, and I am obedient and trusting Him, that the blessings received are far beyond amazing. When I felt the small voice telling me to bring dad home, I fought it and questioned it and prayed and prayed is this really what you want from me??? to give up MY life, My freedom, when I know he is getting the best care ever, better than I could ever give, there is only one of me, there is CNA's, RN's, Cooks, Housekeepers, Doctors,Receptionists,Hairdressers,Volunteers everything one could dream of to care for dad, how can I do it but kept feeling the nudge. When I went to Todd and said this is what I am feeling he suppported me 100%, with a few rules, but total support. Out of the 55 days or 1320 hours I was telling Todd I would have to think there wasn't even one full hour of regret and anger that I had to deal with my decision, and that was early in the time we had dad, setting boundries if you will. Dad was testing me as to how attentive I really was with unreasonable demands, imagine that! In the morning maybe I can write about his last day with us, and the most beautiful memory that will never leave my heart. I know he is in Heaven, he saw the people waiting for him with so much joy and peace the look on his face I will never forget. Goodnight