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Saturday, July 19, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
June 29th-Two weeks later
I am so thankful for accountability family and friends in my life, I had one with love and compassion tell me to please try and keep this journal going, as I am grieving, so are they, not only for dad but for concern as to how I am doing, and it is unfair not to keep on writing. Sometimes it is just easier to "Quit" something that felt so good, now when its gone, I don't know how it feels, then I remember quitting is for the weak, that one of my favorite "dad" quotes is "There is no hill too high for a high stepper" I need to give it my best, and I will overcome that mountain too. So here we go.
As I began blogging I looked back and my first title was "Begin, and the rest is easy"... So Saturday Morning, the 14th of June, we had four of our granddaughters sleeping on the floor in the living room that I cagidly stepped over, covered back up with their blankies, adjusted their heads on their pillows, gave them grandma kisses in their sleep, and headed to dads room. It was about 6am and I noticed his breathing was different, short shallow breaths, yet not labored. I gently washed his face with a warm cloth, swabbed his lips with a sponge and he just stared at me with the most thankful adoring eyes, but didn't talk. I told him I was going to get my shower and ready for the day, and I would be right back to get him ready for his day too. That was our normal morning routine. Michele came over early to pick up her three girls, I'd say between 7 and 8 and we sat at the kitchen table talking, me telling her his breathing was short and I just felt something was different. We were talking about what did we think he was hanging on for, I told her I just didn't know, as all three of us kids told him to let go, that he was such a wonderful father, had wonderful children and grandchildren and great friends, his work here on earth was complete, to go and be with Jesus, with all the people that he kept saying he saw all week long. Michele in her uplifting spirit said, maybe its "me" he is waiting on, to hear my voice one more time, she also said, loud enough for dad to hear from the table, "He always thought I was so pretty and loved me" We laughed, the girls said goodbye to grandpa Duke and off they went to spend their day around the pool. Savonnah wanted to go, but I explained she needed to stay cause daddy was coming at eleven after he got done working at Winona Lake with teeshirts for a 5K run. I remember going back into dads room while Savonnah was eating her oatmeal, Grandpa Dukes favorite breakfast too, brown sugar and maple, and I just saw dad differently than any other morning. We prayed again and again, asking Jesus to help us through this beautiful day, and if today was the day to take dad home that we were ready. I thought if I sang Jesus Loves Me Savonnah would sing along, as she didn't want to come in the room that morning and I know he could hear her from his bed, and she did sing along from the kitchen table, and I know he heard her cause his eyes refocused to my eyes. He just stared into them again, almost pathetically saying, are you sure you are going to be okay without me. I again told him, remember last night dad, all the granddaughters and I in the kitchen, each making a part of our dinner, laughing and giggling, eating, doing dishes, how wonderful and blessed my life is with family here??? He then changed from pathedic staring eyes to a peace that words can never describe. I said, dad, I am so blessed and thankful for my family, I promise to do my best in everything here on earth, that I will soon be in heaven with him and mom, and all my other family and we will live an eternal life that is never ending. We prayed again. I called Ty and said dad was different and to talk to him, that I was sure he could still hear, so Ty did, asked him to blink or squeeze my hand as he asked questions to him, but he didn't respond that way, only his eyes staring in mine. Ty assured dad of his love, and that he would be back in July for his birthday on the 9th. They said their goodbyes, and I promised to call with any changes. We prayed again. By now it was after nine, I went to check Sanonnah, she was playing house on the front porch, and I told her I was going to give Grandpa his bath and shave him and get him ready for the day, that I would be busy for a few minutes but to call for me if she needed me, went back into dads room to tell him the same plan, and there was no shallow short breaths, but he was warm, I layed my head on his chest, I couldn't hear any heart beat, I put my fingers on his wrist, my heart now was racing, I didn't know if was my throbbing of heartbeat through my fingers or his pulse, then to his neck to feel a pulse there, nothing but my own going so fast I couldn't count looking at the second hand on dads watch I was wearing. I went to the other side of his bed, same thing, my heart still pounding out of my chest, like please, let my heartbeat flow into him dear Jesus, then I looked into his eyes, the same eyes I left him with, peace beyond words, dads loving eyes, not eyes of anger or disgust, but eyes staring towards heaven with almost a twinkle in them. I just don't think I can describe it, but they are marked in my mind, probably forever, because I can close my eyes right now and see them so perfectly. I picked up the phone, called Todd at work and told him I cannot get a pulse, he told me he was on his way. I then called Michele, asked her to come back and get Savonnah, we didn't want her to see all what was going to go on in the next couple of hours, she said she was on her way. I called Scott, he said he was on his way, I called Ty, he said are you sure, shake him, slap his face, are you sure, I said yes I was sure, he then asked if I was alone, if I was okay, I told him Savonnah was here but Michele was on her way, Todd and Scott on their way, and he said to don't do anything else until Scott got there, he would make the necessary calls that would follow. I prayed again, thanking Jesus for my dad, for my mom, for my family and friends, for my life. We always had Pulse Christian Radio on for dad 24/7 the past week, and I was hearing Lifesong being played on the Radio, what a perfect song. I knew right then, life was going to be different for me, and my grieving needed to begin, knowing, God would be carrying me through each moment.
I will write again later about the rest of Saturday, the Memorial and Burial Services and the weeks up to date. I am sorry it took me so long to write this part of the journal, but praying it gives you a bit of closure and peace as it did me. I do want to say that I am grieving slowly, Tara gave me a wonderul CD about grieving and how society thinks one should grieve and what the Bible says about how we are allowed to grieve. I pick the Bible way, slowly, positively and lovingly. I will explain that later too. To not be honest about the hurt only comes back later in life in other forms, that then I would have to figure that out, but by doing it God's way, the healing is His plan, not mine. I'm closing for now. I'm feeling prayer and support from so many, thank you. God's blessings
As I began blogging I looked back and my first title was "Begin, and the rest is easy"... So Saturday Morning, the 14th of June, we had four of our granddaughters sleeping on the floor in the living room that I cagidly stepped over, covered back up with their blankies, adjusted their heads on their pillows, gave them grandma kisses in their sleep, and headed to dads room. It was about 6am and I noticed his breathing was different, short shallow breaths, yet not labored. I gently washed his face with a warm cloth, swabbed his lips with a sponge and he just stared at me with the most thankful adoring eyes, but didn't talk. I told him I was going to get my shower and ready for the day, and I would be right back to get him ready for his day too. That was our normal morning routine. Michele came over early to pick up her three girls, I'd say between 7 and 8 and we sat at the kitchen table talking, me telling her his breathing was short and I just felt something was different. We were talking about what did we think he was hanging on for, I told her I just didn't know, as all three of us kids told him to let go, that he was such a wonderful father, had wonderful children and grandchildren and great friends, his work here on earth was complete, to go and be with Jesus, with all the people that he kept saying he saw all week long. Michele in her uplifting spirit said, maybe its "me" he is waiting on, to hear my voice one more time, she also said, loud enough for dad to hear from the table, "He always thought I was so pretty and loved me" We laughed, the girls said goodbye to grandpa Duke and off they went to spend their day around the pool. Savonnah wanted to go, but I explained she needed to stay cause daddy was coming at eleven after he got done working at Winona Lake with teeshirts for a 5K run. I remember going back into dads room while Savonnah was eating her oatmeal, Grandpa Dukes favorite breakfast too, brown sugar and maple, and I just saw dad differently than any other morning. We prayed again and again, asking Jesus to help us through this beautiful day, and if today was the day to take dad home that we were ready. I thought if I sang Jesus Loves Me Savonnah would sing along, as she didn't want to come in the room that morning and I know he could hear her from his bed, and she did sing along from the kitchen table, and I know he heard her cause his eyes refocused to my eyes. He just stared into them again, almost pathetically saying, are you sure you are going to be okay without me. I again told him, remember last night dad, all the granddaughters and I in the kitchen, each making a part of our dinner, laughing and giggling, eating, doing dishes, how wonderful and blessed my life is with family here??? He then changed from pathedic staring eyes to a peace that words can never describe. I said, dad, I am so blessed and thankful for my family, I promise to do my best in everything here on earth, that I will soon be in heaven with him and mom, and all my other family and we will live an eternal life that is never ending. We prayed again. I called Ty and said dad was different and to talk to him, that I was sure he could still hear, so Ty did, asked him to blink or squeeze my hand as he asked questions to him, but he didn't respond that way, only his eyes staring in mine. Ty assured dad of his love, and that he would be back in July for his birthday on the 9th. They said their goodbyes, and I promised to call with any changes. We prayed again. By now it was after nine, I went to check Sanonnah, she was playing house on the front porch, and I told her I was going to give Grandpa his bath and shave him and get him ready for the day, that I would be busy for a few minutes but to call for me if she needed me, went back into dads room to tell him the same plan, and there was no shallow short breaths, but he was warm, I layed my head on his chest, I couldn't hear any heart beat, I put my fingers on his wrist, my heart now was racing, I didn't know if was my throbbing of heartbeat through my fingers or his pulse, then to his neck to feel a pulse there, nothing but my own going so fast I couldn't count looking at the second hand on dads watch I was wearing. I went to the other side of his bed, same thing, my heart still pounding out of my chest, like please, let my heartbeat flow into him dear Jesus, then I looked into his eyes, the same eyes I left him with, peace beyond words, dads loving eyes, not eyes of anger or disgust, but eyes staring towards heaven with almost a twinkle in them. I just don't think I can describe it, but they are marked in my mind, probably forever, because I can close my eyes right now and see them so perfectly. I picked up the phone, called Todd at work and told him I cannot get a pulse, he told me he was on his way. I then called Michele, asked her to come back and get Savonnah, we didn't want her to see all what was going to go on in the next couple of hours, she said she was on her way. I called Scott, he said he was on his way, I called Ty, he said are you sure, shake him, slap his face, are you sure, I said yes I was sure, he then asked if I was alone, if I was okay, I told him Savonnah was here but Michele was on her way, Todd and Scott on their way, and he said to don't do anything else until Scott got there, he would make the necessary calls that would follow. I prayed again, thanking Jesus for my dad, for my mom, for my family and friends, for my life. We always had Pulse Christian Radio on for dad 24/7 the past week, and I was hearing Lifesong being played on the Radio, what a perfect song. I knew right then, life was going to be different for me, and my grieving needed to begin, knowing, God would be carrying me through each moment.
I will write again later about the rest of Saturday, the Memorial and Burial Services and the weeks up to date. I am sorry it took me so long to write this part of the journal, but praying it gives you a bit of closure and peace as it did me. I do want to say that I am grieving slowly, Tara gave me a wonderul CD about grieving and how society thinks one should grieve and what the Bible says about how we are allowed to grieve. I pick the Bible way, slowly, positively and lovingly. I will explain that later too. To not be honest about the hurt only comes back later in life in other forms, that then I would have to figure that out, but by doing it God's way, the healing is His plan, not mine. I'm closing for now. I'm feeling prayer and support from so many, thank you. God's blessings
Sunday, June 15, 2008
June 15, 2008 FATHERS DAY
Dad went home to be with his Father yesterday, June 14. Praise God for everything that he has given, He is so good.
The last 55 days have been something I pray that is a reminder of love and family and friends for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can put into words what I am feeling right now, it may have to come later once I process it but one thing I know I can put into words is how much I know what it means to trust God in all things, and when I hear that small still voice telling me something, and I am obedient and trusting Him, that the blessings received are far beyond amazing. When I felt the small voice telling me to bring dad home, I fought it and questioned it and prayed and prayed is this really what you want from me??? to give up MY life, My freedom, when I know he is getting the best care ever, better than I could ever give, there is only one of me, there is CNA's, RN's, Cooks, Housekeepers, Doctors,Receptionists,Hairdressers,Volunteers everything one could dream of to care for dad, how can I do it but kept feeling the nudge. When I went to Todd and said this is what I am feeling he suppported me 100%, with a few rules, but total support. Out of the 55 days or 1320 hours I was telling Todd I would have to think there wasn't even one full hour of regret and anger that I had to deal with my decision, and that was early in the time we had dad, setting boundries if you will. Dad was testing me as to how attentive I really was with unreasonable demands, imagine that! In the morning maybe I can write about his last day with us, and the most beautiful memory that will never leave my heart. I know he is in Heaven, he saw the people waiting for him with so much joy and peace the look on his face I will never forget. Goodnight
The last 55 days have been something I pray that is a reminder of love and family and friends for the rest of my life. I am not sure I can put into words what I am feeling right now, it may have to come later once I process it but one thing I know I can put into words is how much I know what it means to trust God in all things, and when I hear that small still voice telling me something, and I am obedient and trusting Him, that the blessings received are far beyond amazing. When I felt the small voice telling me to bring dad home, I fought it and questioned it and prayed and prayed is this really what you want from me??? to give up MY life, My freedom, when I know he is getting the best care ever, better than I could ever give, there is only one of me, there is CNA's, RN's, Cooks, Housekeepers, Doctors,Receptionists,Hairdressers,Volunteers everything one could dream of to care for dad, how can I do it but kept feeling the nudge. When I went to Todd and said this is what I am feeling he suppported me 100%, with a few rules, but total support. Out of the 55 days or 1320 hours I was telling Todd I would have to think there wasn't even one full hour of regret and anger that I had to deal with my decision, and that was early in the time we had dad, setting boundries if you will. Dad was testing me as to how attentive I really was with unreasonable demands, imagine that! In the morning maybe I can write about his last day with us, and the most beautiful memory that will never leave my heart. I know he is in Heaven, he saw the people waiting for him with so much joy and peace the look on his face I will never forget. Goodnight
Friday, June 13, 2008
June 13 4:30am
Woke up from the couch laying with Brookey and hurried into dads room, not knowing what woke me up to check on him, a little nervous about what I am going to find when I get there, only to see his eyes wide open, and looking up in a stare that I couldn't get is attention. I wiped his face off, sponged water in his mouth and asked if he hurt or was in any pain and he shook his head no, so we prayed together for this new day that is ahead of us, for God to give me the wisdom to give dad whatever he needs since he doesn't communicate anymore, and for dad to know what a wonderful father he is and has been to Scott, Ty and I and that we are going to be just fine when he leaves us here on earth to be with Jesus. I'm going to go back and lay down for awhile and I will write again later today. I am just so thankful for this day I am about to have with the granddaughters and dad.
June 12, 2008 31 Years Ago Today
Anyone that knows our family very well knows a very special wakeup call that mom would give us on our birthday, and it began with our age and how that day was the best day in her life. Well, I picked up on moms tradition and do the same with my children and today was Lisa's day. It was an eventful day with dad waking up yelling for "Ike" and the dogs thinking by him yelling so loud that someone was at the door! I was able to calm dad down pretty quickly, got the dogs outside and began my morning as normal, changing and bathing dad, he always liked to be shaved and what smooth soft skin he has, only this morning his skin was already moist- like and clammy. His grip was so strong that if I got him rolled to one side he woulnd't let go of the bed rail to roll him to the other, I thought, wow, he sure still is strong. He is so heavy to move for as little as he is! Then I remembered Gracie needed to be at the groomer so off I go two houses up the road to drop her off, hurry back as I don't leave dad ever alone, but this morning I did just to do that. Got back and all was normal, went outside to begin watering my plants and remembered I didn't make my wake up call!!! When I got Lisa at work, wished her a happy birthday and that 31 years ago today was the best day of my life, adding to that, that her birth at Goshen General Hospital was one of the largest arrivals in history, with Grandparents, Uncles, Cousins and Friends all waiting for her arrival. Grandma Welsh also pulled every string to have Wooden Wagon Florist have a dozen pink carnations with more babies breath that fit in the arrangement at my bedside by the time I got back to my room in the hospital. She said she was wondering if I was going to call her, oh, I apologized and she so understood how this year this morning was different for me.
All day dad was unresponsive so I just put him in positions that I thought would be comfortable, dripping drops of water from a sponge on his mouth, every now and then a teaspoon of water that he would choke on but swollow, but I felt better he at least had a swollow, more for me than him. Once Todd was checking in on him and he thought how uncomfortable dad was positioned but his face looked peaceful, I had put him on his side, propped with pillows and rolled blankets everywhere, the way I lay on my side, but Todd, not liking to lay on his side thought it looked horribly uncomfortable! We laughed and I left him like that for awhile, then in drops Scotty to see Grandpa, and he too got dad all undone and back on his back where he thought dad should be, so my boys don't like the curled up on the side position.
We were blessed with our four youngest granddaughters for dinner and the night, Savonnah Faye, Brooke-Lynn, Sierra and Summer, so Todd made 'Beer-butt" chicken, potato's and peas for supper for all of us, along with AJ, one of our employee's who was there helping me keep up the yardwork when he's not at the Down Under. We had such a great time out on the deck, talking and sharing with the girls about our past, different kinds of birds, trees and things other than health issues, what a nice break I thought, still repositoning dad every half hour or so and keeping his face wiped and drips of water to his mouth.
It was getting close to ten o'clock and we decided we needed dairy queen's for Lisa's birthday, so we called and sang to her again on the way to the dairy queen and got home and tasted each others blizzards, and ice cream and called it a day. As I was in praying my goodnight prayer with dad, Brooke-Lynn joined me and we had a very emotional few minutes, as she has been such a huge part of Grandpa Duke's life, because she is with me so much, she was able to spend alot of time with him in her 10 years of life. When Brookey was three months old I went to Crystal River to visit dad and mom and Brookey was right there with me to meet her Grandma Faye and Grandpa Duke for a week, then again she went there at about the age of 5, and thousands of visits to Goshen when I'd go see mom and dad, so she has heard every one of the stories out of dads book that the rest of us have been blessed to listen to, as well as all his great words of wisdom, especially, "Think Good Thoughts". So this will be a painful loss for my dear Brookey when dad does go to Heaven, I am just to thankful she is with me tonight to share the goodnight prayer. We held each other tight in tears and said goodnight.
All day dad was unresponsive so I just put him in positions that I thought would be comfortable, dripping drops of water from a sponge on his mouth, every now and then a teaspoon of water that he would choke on but swollow, but I felt better he at least had a swollow, more for me than him. Once Todd was checking in on him and he thought how uncomfortable dad was positioned but his face looked peaceful, I had put him on his side, propped with pillows and rolled blankets everywhere, the way I lay on my side, but Todd, not liking to lay on his side thought it looked horribly uncomfortable! We laughed and I left him like that for awhile, then in drops Scotty to see Grandpa, and he too got dad all undone and back on his back where he thought dad should be, so my boys don't like the curled up on the side position.
We were blessed with our four youngest granddaughters for dinner and the night, Savonnah Faye, Brooke-Lynn, Sierra and Summer, so Todd made 'Beer-butt" chicken, potato's and peas for supper for all of us, along with AJ, one of our employee's who was there helping me keep up the yardwork when he's not at the Down Under. We had such a great time out on the deck, talking and sharing with the girls about our past, different kinds of birds, trees and things other than health issues, what a nice break I thought, still repositoning dad every half hour or so and keeping his face wiped and drips of water to his mouth.
It was getting close to ten o'clock and we decided we needed dairy queen's for Lisa's birthday, so we called and sang to her again on the way to the dairy queen and got home and tasted each others blizzards, and ice cream and called it a day. As I was in praying my goodnight prayer with dad, Brooke-Lynn joined me and we had a very emotional few minutes, as she has been such a huge part of Grandpa Duke's life, because she is with me so much, she was able to spend alot of time with him in her 10 years of life. When Brookey was three months old I went to Crystal River to visit dad and mom and Brookey was right there with me to meet her Grandma Faye and Grandpa Duke for a week, then again she went there at about the age of 5, and thousands of visits to Goshen when I'd go see mom and dad, so she has heard every one of the stories out of dads book that the rest of us have been blessed to listen to, as well as all his great words of wisdom, especially, "Think Good Thoughts". So this will be a painful loss for my dear Brookey when dad does go to Heaven, I am just to thankful she is with me tonight to share the goodnight prayer. We held each other tight in tears and said goodnight.
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